Why do they even let me be part of this society?
I mean seriously, who screws up boiling an egg... 4 times!!!
Besides being lazy and a bit of a princess, there was a good reason why I didn't cook for myself before. I'm AWFUL at it. AWFUL! I've wasted more eggs than I'd like to admit trying to make an egg salad sandwich for work tomorrow. How much money has my stupidity saved? Not much. And I'm so full of eggs, since I don't want to throw good food out. And I think I messed up the egg salad anyway once I had an egg actually hard boiled by using miracle whip instead of mayo, because when I was at the store I didn't get mayo because I thought you used miracle whip in egg salad, but now that I taste it, it seems wrong and MY GOD I suck. Why is it all so complicated?
Urgh! And what's worse, is well-meaning people will post advice on how to boil an egg (even though I followed the instructions to the letter in my "How to cook: The boiled egg any beyond") and make me feel like an even bigger ass as they flaunt their cooking prowess in my face. "Look at us! We're all normal, well-adjusted adults and we can boil eggs. We can even derive some joy from the act of cooking. Look at us randomly toss in a spice and have our meal turn out great, while you follow your 'cooking' instincts and make dinner taste like tar."
Yes, congratulations, you're all better people than I am. You can all spell and you can all cook. I'll be in the back eating carbs in my illiterate filth.
When money was a bit freer, I could mask my lack of cooking skill by getting take out, pleading with M to cook something and then throwing in one of the 5 things I know how to not make taste like tar and he'd be impressed. Now that we're eating in exclusively the jig is up. Unlike me, M doesn't like eating the same thing every day. He likes variety and he likes trying new and exciting foods. And oh, how I wish I could be an exciting food person. But I'm not. You all see what I eat on the Munchies blog. It's not a stringent diet, it's the way I am. I find something I like and then I eat it and only it until I tire of it. And as time passes in this new deal, he's going to see me for the bad-cooking monster that I am and leave me for some girl named Katka who only needs to look at a pot to have it brimming with the greatest food known to mankind.
Seriously, after a couple weeks of cous cous, pasta, salad, pancakes and (maybe if I ever master them) boiled eggs, I'd leave me for Katka. I mean who can love a person that's afraid of raw chicken?
HRH
posted by Her Highnessness at 23:04
10 Comments:
That may be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. You can use Miracle Whip in egg salad, and I've underboiled eggs too. The only things I'm cooking lately are stirfried vegetables and baked potatoes. Nuking a veggie burger doesn't count.
2:55 AM
It's not a dark tunnel, believe me. I grew up being able to make toast. And soup from a can. While I'm not the most exciting or exotic cook in the land, I've managed to master.... the chicken breast. You can change it up so many ways that it's not really boring. =) Heck, I even have people over where I have to cook. My husband is one of those 'look at a pot and it's full of tasty food' guys, so I know exactly what you mean.
Hrm. I _am_ older than you, though, so maybe it's just the years of effort that have granted me the knowledge that 20min at 375 is the right amount of time for 2 chicken breasts weighing in at 200-225g.
Timmi
8:19 AM
"I mean who can love a person that's afraid of raw chicken?"
I can. And I do.
- Matej
9:56 AM
Dude! When I tried boiling an egg for breakfast this morning I actually had to use three because I dropped one on the floor and I dropped the second one into the pot so hard that it split completely open such that I had poached egg. Maybe it was just an unauspicious day to undertake egg-boiling!
10:18 AM
Hon, I totally appreciated your garlic couscous! And who isn't afraid of chicken? It's so jiggly and gross with those little white membrany things...*shudder*. I cook all the time and there is never chicken in my home. You can just be all pretentious and say "chicken is the most overused meat in the world, it's so passe." That's what I always do :)
11:30 AM
Gah! Did you have to say that?? *grossed out* Now I won't be able to eat chicken for at least a week and it's really my only source of protein. *bursts into tears*
Timmi
11:38 AM
So far, Matej is winning for absolute sweetest blog comment ever.
1:56 PM
sorry timmi, maybe try tofu or hemp seeds? they're full of protein :)
9:12 AM
The problem with tofu, of course, is that it's also full of tofu.
- Matej
2:37 PM
Sweetie - just be grateful that you make your living writing instead of cooking. At least it's a good thing to have people laugh out loud at your writing than at your cooking.
Mom
11:19 AM
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