The Wiseness of Friends Near and Far

I thought I was being all clever, you know, by disabling the comments on my exsitential crisis post of the other day. Because I wasn't trolling for sympathy or trying to whine. It was just what I needed to say. But as Tori so aptly sang (and it fits me so well) "Seems that my wish knew better than I did."

I received really great messages from friends and anonymous blog readers, got a couple of phone calls and a very effective chat over a Chai frappuchino. And it's awesome and I feel so loved and cared for and it's great. I wouldn't say that I'm feeling better, because I don't think I was feeling so bad. I was just not feeling. But I think that at least now, by talking it out some, I think I understand the nature of the problem.

A couple of years back I gave M's mother a book that broke down astrology to the your birthday. Every day was a different type of person and it laid out what moved you and what you should be weary of. While I don't put stock in astrology, I was able to see some paralells between the description and my nature. Apparently I'm a traveller who is always looking for home, even when they're there. I have to shake myself so that I can see that I don't have to go looking for something I already have (I'm sure there's a power ballad about this). I've been thinking about that a lot recently.

I'm coming down from years of activity. Moving countries, finishing school, finding some direction with my life, scoring sweet apartment after sweet apartment, and cute shoes. Yes, there have been years upon years of cute shoes. And it's all led up to today. I'm here in the place in my life for awhile. And I'm trying to believe that it's okay, because it's really great here and there are so many pairs of cute shoes.

One of the lenders 'o support said something that has resonated with me.

I don't think there's any reason to feel guilty about looking for more fulfillment or anticipation around the corner even when you have, "on paper," a perfectly good life.

And I think that's been the root of a lot of my sadness. I've felt guilty about wanting more. Even more so because I don't even know what the "more" is.

Anyway, I think I understand it better now and thank you to everyone for being so kind and thoughtful. I'm going to be fine, because it's me and I'm always fine. Still it's really nice to know that there are people looking out for me. I really can't tell you how fortunate I feel for having the friends, family and loved-ones that I do. You all make me feel so special and if you'd hadn't figured it out by now, the desire to feel special is what drives me.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Strange" by Tori Amos

HRH