OBJECTIVE: 4 Kidz

I don't usually pick on religion. It's common knowledge that I'm an atheist, but I'm also pretty big on liberty and personal choice. So while I don't partake in the activities of faith and fervor, those who do are welcome to.

However this site was brought to my attention on one of the message boards I frequent and I just couldn't refrain from commenting on it. I'm really not sure if it's a joke or not. I really, really, really hope that it's a joke, but something is telling me that it's not.

There are a myriad of things that bother me about this page, like the usage of "kidz", but I think the worst by far for me is the "Spiritual Safety Tip."

If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood, TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!

You may be moved to try and witness to these poor lost souls yourself, however AVOID TALKING TO THEM!

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's Word. Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches.

Advance witnessing indeed. Please witness me calling you retarded.

There is one part of the site that makes me think it's a joke and makes me feel better about peaceful interactions between the believer and the secularist. From the "Professor Giraffenstien, The Creation Scientist and his little buddy Pepper the moth" section:

Q: My friend Bomby the bombardier beetle can shoot boiling-hot toxic chemicals out his butt. Why?

A:God gave your friend that ability for defense against evil as a testament against the false doctrine of Evolutionism.

Surely, this is satire. I mean there's a whole section on Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew! It just can't possibly be real.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Believer" by BT

HRH

You might want to rethink that jumbo coke

Return of the King Technical Specs
FINAL RUNNING TIME: 3 HRS 20 MIN 49 SEC

My pee strategy depends on multiple viewings in which I plot my toilet breaks at different times, so between the two screenings I will have seen every centimetre of celluloid. Or I'm bringing a bucket and claiming that I'm doing a Gollum impression.

HRH

Tales Of Recent Days

On Monday night I resumed my role as the "Bile Master." I'm not sure if it was a stomach bug or if it was my body saying "NO MORE S&V CHIPS" but I am sure that it was puke-tacular. I'm not sure what it was that possessed me to down a bag of chips so quickly after my fairly sensible dinner and after my observations that the "Welcome Home" poundage is coming off, but I did. And then I was sick. Very, very sick. In fact I spent so much time with my head resting on my arm as I hunched over the toilet that I had an imprint from my Medic Alert bracelet pressed into my forehead. Sexy.

...

I got macked on at Starbucks this morning. As I was standing by the sugars and stirrers a man came up to me and said "So you're the one who sends me those emails every week." For those who don't know, I write a bi-weekly update for all the scientists and researchers in the institution, so everyone gets to know my name. This scientist and I chat for a bit. Being the keener that I am, try to ask him about how useful he finds the updates and how it might be shifting format. "Oh no"he says "I need to get my emails from you." Uhh, okay. And then my boss and a colleague make their way to the sugar and stirrers where I had been waiting for them and the scientist says to my boss "I've known her name for some time, but I never expected her to look like this." Oy. It is nice to start your day with a compliment, mind you.

...

I've come to this point in my dance training that's really frustrating. I'm past the point of fundamentals, but still so far from being really good at it. While I'm learning new skills every week, I'm also learning how much I totally don't know. It's also been fairly challenging adapting to a new style of belly dance. Where tribal dance was very fluid, Egyptian is fairly strict and structured. I'm glad that I'm learning this new style, I just wish it came to me as easily as the other did.

...

It's becoming clear that I'm simply forgetting that I'm in public. I listen to music almost constantly. It's really important to me that I listen to it when I'm making my way to work and back. Interacting with all of those people without headphones on is almost too scary to imagine. On the streetcar today, I was listening to "Superstylin" by Groove Armada. It's one of those eletronica dance songs that start quietly and bulid to a "get your groove on moment." As I was sitting in my seat, getting very much into the song, I totally failed to notice that when the "get your groove on moment" kicked in, I had in fact started getting my groove on. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I was chair dancing on a street car at 8:30 in the morning or that I was a good 2 minutes into the song before I noticed that I was dancing. Loser.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Across the Universe" by The Beatles

HRH

Confused?

I had a bit of a freak out and decided to tear down my blog. Could be PMS or it could be the convergence of Internet worlds. Whatever it is, I've decided to keep on as I always have. I may come to regret this decision, but the blog means a lot to me and I am so totally not afraid of being myself. I guess if anything my readership has expanded, and a lot of them are political keeners so it could make for some interesting dialogue. So let's rock it people.

As Fatboy said "You are a brave woman."


...meanwhile, back at the ranch

I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning to find this out the window.



Not such a strange occurance for Canada, however it was 15 fucking degrees when I left for work yesterday (that's 59 for our American affiliates). I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I know my shoes aren't ready for this.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Hysteria" by Muse

HRH

They love me even though I…

• just put 12 burritos in my grocery cart
• run away as soon as I press the “start” button on the microwave because I’m afraid the microwaves are going to get me
• have 4 different kinds of shampoo in the shower
• dance when I should be walking
• sometimes download mp3s I don’t already own (!!!)
• can’t spell
• am a rabid Star Wars fan
• just inhaled a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips and didn’t share

HRH

Just 'cause you need a little Mucha and I'm doing something else with it

A little art history lesson for everyone. This is Mucha's summer, one of my favourite paintings. She's actually one of four seasons that Mucha painted, but I like her best. At some point in my life I will spend a summer day, resting on the fauna that grows by the water, dressed like a greek goddes with flora in my hair.

Everyone needs a goal.



HRH

Riding the psuedo-ephedrine wave

Expect the typos to be really bad in this post.

When I was taking my shower this morning, something set off my allergies. I have no idea what, but it seems that it all started with my shampoo. I decided to nip the itching and the sneezing in the bud and take a Reactine and "feel better." However about 30 mintues ago, my skin flushed and dizziness took over. My hands feel totally disconnected from my body and my head feels like it's a balloon, floating far far above my body. Weeeeee.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Fly away" by Lenny Kravitz

HRH

God It's Retro

It is with great chagrin that I admit that a lot of the music I adore has become Retro. Music that was once the damn coolest thing ever is now 7 to 10 years old. Wholly cow. This is just another step on the path the admitting that I am old. When I listen to retry night on the radio, I am very saddened to discover that they're basically playing the songs of my youth. While I'm loving song after song, I remember that I've been dancing a whole one time in the last 3 years. Shameful. Even more shameful is when I think "yeah, I'm going to head out to a club" and then I realize that I'm going to be one of those old people getting their groove on amongst hammered, nubile, college girls. And I will stick out like a very, very sore thumb. Sigh. Also, if I went I'd have to leave at about midnight because I just can't stay awake like I once did. Double sigh.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Old before I die" by Robbie Williams

HRH

What is it about a good manicure?

It's like I feel human again after spending months on a desert island. There's just something that makes you feel cleaner, sharper and put together. Some people don't understand the merits of good personal grooming. I think that those people have just never experienced the bliss of a hand massage.

Here's what serious personal grooming can do for you. First, you're doing something good for yourself. I've found that one of the keys to stay cool as a cucumber is making sure that I have "me" time. Making a hair, facial or nail appointment means that you are reserving time where you are going to be pampered and ideally externally bettered (no one goes to the beauty salon with the hope of looking worse afterwards). Hopefully the process will allow you to find some peace to do some bettering on the inside. Next, you're beautifying. You can debate the motivations women have for doing the crazy beauty rituals that they do, you can even debate the necessity. What I think matters is that at the end of the process you have a woman (or a guy... why not?) who has been given a little boost. It's not a life altering injection of confidence, and anyone expecting that from a beauty salon is setting themselves up for a let down, but a little upward nudge.

Do you think I've adequately rationalized spending 45 dollars every two weeks on my nails yet?

Today's sing-a-long song: "Beautiful" by Snopp Dogg and Pharell

HRH

Guns, Freedom and Disdain for all things nasty

My country is doing pretty well these days. I'm talking about Cheladonia, not Canada. My civil rights are superb, my economy is a powerhouse and my political freedoms are excellent. I have "issues" sent to me twice a day, wherein I can accept a point of view and the government makes laws around it, or I can dismiss the issue all together. Usually I can sort out what I want to do, but today I was a little stumped. Now before I share the options with you, for non-Nation States players, when you accept a point of view, the results are usually extreme and sadly you can't suggest alternate options (totally frustrating).

The Issue
Tragedy struck Cheladonia today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.

The Debate
1) The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. "The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers," says anti-gun campaigner Aaron Trax. "There's no justification for them in today's society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them."

2) "That's not all we need," says radical left-wing activist Jean-Paul Longbottom. "The government should ban all guns outright--even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make Cheladonia a totally gun-free state."

3) "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," says NRA head honcho Dave Barry. "If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn't to ban guns. It's to crack down on those Hollywood movies and computer games that glamorize violence. They're the real criminals."


So here's my conundrum. Cheladonia is all about liberty and about the government staying the hell out of people's lives. However, I really don't like guns. When I try to think about it I just think myself into a circle. Murder=bad, less murder=good, gun control legislation=less civil rights, sacrificing civil rights=bad,... it's all bad. Right now I'm thinking of dismissing the issue as there's no option that works. Oh, do you think that's indicative of something?

I'm really not considering that MPA anymore.

HRH

Sexy I can dig

I'm not sure why, but I totally adore this old pin-up. Maybe it's because I'm shaped like a pin-up of days of yore, or maybe it's because she's a belly dancer. Either way it makes me smile, much like the Telus Pigs make me smile. I wouldn't bother tyring to come up with a correation if I were you. You might sprain something.




HRH

When bad days turn good

On my way home on the streetcar this evening I was metnally composing a very sulky blog. A blog about my very long and humbling day. I discovered that I was possibly the dumbest person in a room of 700 and I have to re-learn my shimmys. To make matters worse there was the most irritating couple in the world sitting behind me. I sat there in stunned horror at the graphically violent thoughts I was having, devising gruesome ways to get them to SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I think I understand "Twisty Bread" at last Dave.

So I was having this day, and I'm really over tired, all I can think of to do is to call my best friends, M and Mike. M promises me much love and kindness when I make it home (and he delivered I might add) and reminds me that the world cannot be saved by scientists alone. It will need PR people too to spin it. Then I call Mike and he makes me laugh, long and belly-like and gives me one of the reality checks I've come to depend on him for. And my day's not so gloomy anymore. I don't need to start attacking random people with an axe, nor do I feel compelled to reflect on my latest theory that PMS is like the entire year of being 16 years old all in one day. When I was in dispair, I contacted my loved ones, came home, made some comofrt food, indulged in a comically large Tootise Pop and reallzed that if days like today are my bad days then this is truly a charmed life.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Angel" by Massive Attack

HRH

Keepin' It Real With The Mysterious Chicken

I was going to bitch and complain about my SEVEN HOUR FUCKING BUS RIDE TO KINGSTON last night, but I'm over it. (SEVEN HOURS ON A BUS THAT WAS ONLY MOVING FOR THREE!!!) I'm back home for the weekend to visit the rents and to take a jaunt to Grandmother's place. Three generations of my family had a lovely lunch in Chesterville (3 points if you know where that is) and I noticed with glee that Grandma had a 2004 calendar graciously supplied by the PC party of Canada. Way to keep it real Gran.

My Grandmother is almost 90 years old and is in remarkable shape. I can only hope to be as sharp and capable as she is in the 2060's (That's right people. I am going to live long enough to find out who really shot JFK). Grandma keeps track of what's going on in our family. She does a great job of staying in touch with all the cousins, siblings and grandkids that have come out of her's and my late grandfather's families. This is no easy task as they're both from families of ten children. She's traced our genealogy all the way back to the 9th century in some cases and has started collecting photos that date back to before confederation. As she was showing my a photo of my great-great grandparents and explaining to me why my great grandmother was known as Millie (there were two women in a farm household named Margaret McEwen, so my great grandmother went by her middle name, Miller), I started asking my mother about the history of my father's side of the family.

While Mum's side of the family is really well documented, my father's family remains somewhat of a mystery to me. My paternal grandparents have been dead for awhile, so I was never really able to quiz them like I do my Grandma. In fact, it turns out that I've been operating on bad information for quite some time. I knew that Nana was from St. John's, Newfoundland and that Papa was from Southport, P.E.I. I knew that Papa's family were farmers and that Nana's family had been "townies" (people who worked in the city, not on the fishing boats). For a long time I'd thought that my Nana had been born in Scotland, because she always told me she was British and always gave special attention to the Union Jack if she ever saw it flying. Hence I concluded that Nana wasn't born in Canada. She must have come over after. I discovered that Nana had been born in Newfoundland, but when she was born, Newfoundland wasn't part of Canada. It was still part of Britain. Apparently she used to say things like "Someday Canada will join Newfoundland" and this, I've learned, is a pretty common attitude amongst people living on the big bad rock. So this means that my Canadian-ity goes back at least 2 generations on all 4 sides!

So I have to make a apology for misrepresenting myself. I'm not as Euro as I'd thought I was. I'm old school Canadian all the way. Sorry to those who were kind to me because they thought I was something other than what I actually am. It a surprise to me as well. Needless to say, I have a new task. It's time to sort out where I've come from on all sides and stop making assumptions based on things I was told as a weeun.

In other news, please enjoy this and keep it real.

Today's sing-a-long song: "I's the b'y" Folk Song

HRH

Begun This Clone War Has

While I have to wait until May, 2005 for a truly geek-gasmic moment the good people at Cartoon Newtork and Lucasfilm have given raging Star Wars nerds, like myself, something to satiate our undying need to know something new about the Star Wars universe. It’s the Clone Wars Animated Series. 24 three-minute episodes created by Genndy Tartakovsky (famous for cartoons like Samurai Jack that chronicle some of the events of the Clone War (aka the three years between Attack of the Clones and Episode III).



The Cartoon Network is an American station. So I was dismayed when I learned that I wouldn’t be able to catch them on TV. So I forked over $20 USD to George Lucas and Co. for access to Hyperspace (HS), the premium content section of the Star Wars official web site. Getting the Clone Wars cartoon was my primary motivation for paying the fee, getting all the web-cam shots, behind the scenes diaries and other such spoiler-hound worthy stuff was a perk I hadn’t expected to be worth much of anything. When I learned that the cartoons would be available on the Cartoon Network and Star Wars Main Web sites a mere 24 hours after broadcast…for free…I was, again, a little dismayed. But I can see the cartoon 20 minutes after broadcast and the other HS stuff has been great so I’ll shut my yap about that. (Quick vent: It’s streaming vs. the downloadable format I was originally promised and man they’ve got some glitches to sort out as 2 out of 3 chapters have been screwed up. Okay, really done now.)

Anyway, the actual cartoon is neat. And well worth your viewing. If you’re lucky enough to get Cartoon network, the first 10 chapters are showing Monday through Friday at 8 p.m. until November 20. I’ve decided I’m going to communicate via Arc Trooper hand signals for the next little while just to get into the spirit of things.

Today’s sing-a-long song: “Always On My Mind” by Elvis Presley, Willie Nelson or The Pet Shop Boys (take your pick)

HRH

Must be hormonal

So I head to Google today as I often do and they've turned one of the "o"'s into a Rememberance Day wreath. It took far too much energy not to start tearing up. Sigh.

HRH

Something just for Tania (Alternate title: I hope my mother doesn't read my blog today)

With props to the lads at OpSom

HRH

Just because it's Sunday and you need it

With much love to all the immigrants.

HRH

What dreams are made of

My sub-conscious has sent a message to it. It's told me to chill with the Star Wars for awhile. You know you've surpassed supergeekdom when you have a dream where you're in a landscape that's identical to that of one in Jedi Academy, watching Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine prepare to give a speech to a selected number of galactic dignitaries and you suddenly realize it's a trap and everyone there is going to be slaughtered.

Geek.

In other news it looks like my dream of having a mobile phone integrated into my body isn't so far off. This gives me immense amounts of hope, though I hope the bracelets are fashionable.

Today's sing-a-long: "Apocalypse Please" by Muse

HRH

Breed of choice

I was looking up photos of cats for someone who's recently lost one and found a photo that looks an awful lot like someone many of us know. Imagine green eyes and you've got Zeus. I'm going to be a grey cat person for life.

HRH<

System Error

I know what's going to happen. I'm an idiot and I read the spoilers. So I think I'm ready for the potential dissapointment that is going to be Revolutions. The critics at large are panning it, but the critics at large are some of my canidates to be first against the wall when the revolution comes, so that's not such a big deal for me. At last check Rotten Tomatoes was at a stale mate, but as people come out of the 9 a.m. screening, everything may change. I don't expect the general public to get Revolutions. I hope that I do and that it's good. I hope that the translation between what is written on paper and what it on screen is chalk full of hair-raising, spine-tingling movie magic.

I'm just so worried that it won't be. I guess I'll find out tomorrow night.

Today's sing-a-long song: "It's the End of the World as we Know it" by R.E.M.

HRH

Get your consumerism on

I've been back for something like 4 or 5 months now. Being who I am, you can bet your bottom dollar that a good portion of that time has been spent shopping. If you're going to reacclimatize to the ultimate in consumer societies, what better homecoming can there be. I'm a North American. I shop.

Salespeople in North America are good. It's where the whole concept of customer service was perfected. However there are times when salespeople go too far. On several occasions salespeople have gone from trying to sell me something to almost begging me to buy. In a way a commend them for going hard for the sale, but if you're going to try and rationalize something to me, make sure your logic is in order.

For example, take the girl who was blow drying my hair at a recent salon visit. It's no suprise that hair salons are constantly trying to get you to get highlights and colour. Why is this? Because the materials for colouring are relatively inexpensive and the cost is actually in the labour. Also, once you start colouring, it's a huge challenge to stop. Like the drug dealer, they get you hooked on the first dose.

Back in the day I used to colour my hair a lot. I decided that highlights would make me "more fun" (or funner, take your pick. The highlights were blond after all). I highlighted for 3 years, before delving into the world of all over colour. The results of this ran the gauntlet from brown/black to red. 4 years ago I decided it had to stop and endured the painful "growing out process." About a year ago, I cut the last remnants of red out of my hair and finally had my blessed natural hair colour back. Brown with red and blond highlights here and there. It's a nice colour and it suits me.

So this girl doing my blowout starts off by complimenting my hair colour (just after the haircutting diva says "You have really great hair. It's very healthy"), and then says "You know what? It wouldn't take as long to dry your hair if you put in some highlights." This was seriously her rationale. According to her, I have a perfectly nice hair colour, but I should put in highlights so I can dry my hair faster. You know why my hair would dry faster? Because it would be bleached by the highlights, hence dried out. I know she wants to make money putting colour in my hair, but come on. "You know how you go to great lengths to keep your hair in great shape. All the conditioning and the brushes. You should just throw all that away. It won't make you look better and it won't improve the condition of your hair. Nope, it will just shave 3 minutes off your hair drying rountine." Sign me up!

The funny thing is, that if she'd gone with the improving your looks angle, I would have gone for it in a second. I'd have colour in my hair right now. Make sense and you can sell me anything.

Today's sing-a-long song: "Chantilly Lace" by The Big Bopper

HRH