An open letter to the men on the list

Dear men on Chelsea's list of "Famous People I'd Willingly Sleep With":

I don't like making threats. It's not becoming of a lady and most people force you to make good on any threats you make. But things are getting out of hand here gentlemen. Things have been done that require swift disciplinary action. I don't like being the heavy and I don't like having to dole out rejection, but I don't see any alternative recourse. Two of you are being placed on probation and one of you is being replaced. I've thought long and hard about this decision. I hate to have to tell you this, but the fact remains that you have to keep it fresh. You have to realize that bad hair is going to cost you. You are free men and can do whatever you want, but there are consequences for what you have done.

Robbie, it was a passing fancy. I still find you charming and entertaining, but there just isn't enough there to make maintaining this facade worthwhile. Your hair has often been top drawer, so please don't think that you need an image overhaul. It's just that there's no chemistry. I'm sure it's been apparent to you too. In light of this revelation that there's just nothing between us I've decided to follow the current trend of lusting after younger men and am replacing you with Hayden Christensen. He has a nice smile and episode III spy reports have shown that he can have longer 70's style hair and still look good. Versatility is key here gentlemen.

Viggo, David... What can I say. There's so much potential here. Great bone structure, nice eyes. Even Viggo has been able to pull off the whole "I'm a Ranger, so I don't need to comb my hair and bathe" thing and look fabu. But the really bad blond hair you're sporting in the new Disney movie... for shame. I know it's not something you can choose, so I'm just giving you a slap on the wrist. Just don't let it happen again.

David, however...WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR HEAD? I can't even bring myself to talk about it. I can only ask why? Why would you take something so perfect and make it look so sleazy? Why? Why? Why? Get thee to a stylist!!!

Okay. I'm composed again. Anyway, I'm glad we all had this talk. Remember to apply product starting at the back and working your way to the front.

Yours truly,
Chelsea

Today's sing-a-long song: "You're so vain" by Carly Simon.

HRH