Needed: A life… and, like, pronto

It is in the calm before the storm that our character as human beings is tested. We know the journey ahead is perilous, that we will be tested, tired and pushed to the very limits of our being. Knowing these challenges lay ahead, it is the wise man who spends the calm preparing for the eventual onslaught. Ensuring that should the worst happen, he will have done all that he could to survive it. The wise man sits in contemplation of life and its wonderful mystery. Using those moments of clarity to grow as a person, all the while becoming a more formidable opponent in the pending fray. Yes, that is the wise man.

I would like to take this moment to remind everyone that I am neither wise, nor a man.

This whole downtime thing is starting to loose it’s shiny new feeling. I’ve been home for a month now and I’m starting to feel pretty darn pathetic. It’s really hard to feel like the super girl who owns the ass of everyone in her way when you’re living on a pull-out couch. Please don’t think that I’m spurning the generosity of my parents. Without their kindness, this transition from East to West would have been really difficult and traumatic. With their help it’s been easy. Really easy. So easy that I’m finding it hard not to slip into the slacker labyrinth.

The slacker labyrinth is a scary place. It’s full of unrealized potential and empty bags of potato chips. I can see it waiting for me around every corner. Tempting me with tedium, obesity and 1000 channels of digital satellite. I’m fighting it dagnabit. I’m riding my bike, swimming, dancing and trying to remember to do my abs. I’ve banned the blessed S&Vs from the house, along with the evil Loblaw’s Two Bite Brownies. I have yet to watch anything on Network television, but am sadly watching a lot of VH1, MTV and MTV2 (maybe I should buy some shares in Viacom?).

It’s a battle. I look for jobs every day, I clean up around the house and run errands for the family. I’m even getting outside a lot. Yet I still see slackerdom looming. The most tell tale sign is that I’m turning night into day. Staying and getting up late. It happens to me all the time and I hate it. I want to be a morning person. Why can’t I just fall asleep?

It might be better if I were doing something social, but I’m reluctant to leave the house. I go outside all the time, so I don’t think I’m coming down with a case of agoraphobia, but I’m becoming really sedentary. I spend way too much time on the Internet. I tell myself that I’m just compensating for the horrors of dial-up in Prague, but when notice that you’re sitting in front of your computer, sucking back Altoids tangerine sours, with the Star Wars Episode III webcam, a Starwars message board, MSN messenger and Yahoo bingo open at the same time, you’re just another step closer to hitting bottom.

M told me that I should use this free time to take a shot a fiction. A fairly scary notion for someone like me who’s really just a service writer. Needless to say I haven’t even had an inkling of something to write, nor have I had much interest. When I was back in Prague I imagined I’d take this time to sit by the water with my laptop and pen something meaningful or at the very least entertaining. I would continue to feed my soul and I would reflect on the adventure I just completed. What have I done? I’ve taken the first steps to becoming an introverted nerd.

I’m being overdramatic of course. It’s not as bad as I’m making it sound. I guess I just had a bad moment a little while ago. I was sitting at the computer waiting for someone to post a message to the board. Actually sitting there waiting. I shuddered at myself and decided that maybe watching TV would be interesting. But nothing caught me. It all seemed empty. It was 11:00 p.m. and the house has quiet and dark. I had nothing to do and wasn’t the least bit tired. And it scared me. I began to imagine months upon months of spectacular unemployment. I could feel layers of dust settling on my skin and my brain slowing down to a light whirrh.

I felt really disappointed in myself and in a way I still do. I should have done more with the last 4 weeks. I should have already sorted out the contents of the storage locker instead of driving over and looking at it. It would have been good if I’d learned something more than how to create a smoky eye effect with gel eye liner. Should have, could have, would have. Sigh.

This would be easier if I could get the differences between a break and being a lazy bum.

Today's sing-a-long song: I'm so tempted to say "Longview" by Green Day... but things haven't become that dire. So instead "Down in a Hole" by Alice in Chains. Fitting no?

HRH